Is there such a thing as being satisfied by an expected disappointment? If there is, mine would be called, New Moon The Movie. It’s always a good idea to expect the worst, I guess, but apparently, expecting disappointment is almost an excellent offset for buyer’s remorse.

If it’s even legal to call it an offset. Let’s leave it to mystery, then: how we still embrace dismal things when we knew they were coming to dampen our senses in the first place.

Oh don’t be too discouraged. After all, that intro was more fun to write than “What in red contacts was that!”.

The movie franchise comes back, rather quicker than usual, a year after Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight novel doubled its profits via moviehouses worldwide. This time, sequel New Moon attempts to dig deeper into the dark lives, half-lives, no-lives, graves and what-have-yous that are the Twilight series characters led by a teenage girl, a vampire and, particularly from this Part 2, an eternally shirtless boy named Jacob Black.

Needless to say New Moon continues to talk about teenage romance, or in this case “dark, forbidden love”, as it sounds more panty-tugging to the target market when you speak of a human girl and a devastatingly hot vampire desperately in-love with each other. Bella the girl, played by Kristen Stewart, has continued to enjoy her life with boyfriend Edward the whispering vampire for about a year now after moving into town, while still nagging him about turning her into a vampire herself. So they would be together forever. And ever. Like, for eternity and all. Without him needing to protect her 24/7 as Bella and the rest of the franchise believe her to be a magnet for natural, supernatural, real and imaginary troubles. Like, totally. But Edward–Robert Pattinson in Hollywood–continues to dismiss the idea. He cares about her soul, he says.

Yadda, yadda… Edward dumps her. So she could “have a normal life she deserves.” Enter the eternally shirtless boy Jacob Black, played by Taylor Lautner, Bella’s best friend. Yadda, yadda… Love triangle.

Soon they learn that Edward, after misunderstanding that Isabella Swan finally took her own life after months of delay… err, post-breakup depression, begins to seek the vampire royalty Volturi for his own death. Because forever “means nothing without her.” Then it’s a race against time to save an indestructible yummy vampire from his very demise–and keep the love triangle thing going. Duh, third parties are commodity.

Now after that economy-related word, let me ask: Isn’t the recession over? Or, is there still a writers’ strike in Hollywood? Here it comes… What in tanned, lickable biceps was that screenplay! How the New Moon movie ran  resembles looking at a valley from afar: high-messy low-high. It takes quite a lot to squeeze a lengthy novel into about 2 hours of reel and make sense after the futile attempt, but in New Moon creativity lacked in several places where the makers could’ve pulled it off without getting bashed by more than half the fanatics who’ve most probably read the series at least nine times–OR the curious moviegoers who need something to laugh at during free time. It’s sad when reassembling book chapters into movie scenes look obvious. Sadder when coupled with lousy.

Casting for flicks like these obviously bank on the swoon-drool-ogle factor. Which was a bit sad because even Dakota Fanning, who played one of the new vampire roles Jane of the Volturi, and who CAN act, needs to win a debate for applause for New Moon. The town of Forks is a land of clouds and rains and monsters and gloom, but do the fans and innocent viewers deserve to watch actors who look gaddamned tired all the time? And will Kristen STOP handbrushing her hair all the freaking time? I swear she’s mastered it before her “acting.” (And DO see the related cooool video below.)

And somebody get these actors cheerleading coaches and phonics classes: they need to actually BE HEARD while speaking their lines correctly in the next installments. I could hear those who haven’t read the books: “What was that Edward said in her bedroom?” “What was the joke again?” “Does Bella really talk like muffled fart?”

But like I confessed, disappointment was expected even before my VIP seat was reserved…

At least some of the soundtrack was nice. The set design was good, too. And the minute comic relief that was Billy Burke portraying Bella’s dad, Charlie Swan. And Lautner’s literally smoking bod. And Ashley Greene playing the lovely Alice Cullen. And Rachelle Lefevre’s fiery hair as the raging vampire Victoria. And Dakota Fanning. And again, Jacob Black’s literal and yummy lack of costume.

And that heart-stopping ending sentence. Especially the ladies: be sure to watch the movie with a friend, particularly one who knows CPR. You will need somebody to revive you after you crash.

Oh, and one more extremely important thing, dear Eclipse makers: Send those werewolves to the gym. I beg you.

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New Moon. Directed by Chris Weitz. Novel by Stephenie Meyer. Written for the screen by Melissa Rosenberg. From Summit Entertainment. Also starring Christian Serratos, Michael Sheen, Jackson Rathbone, Peter Facinelli, Nikki Reed, Edi Gathegi.

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Not making an excuse, but this was written with bugged senses. Needed to kill time.

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