On Saturday I went to a big party. None of them were really my Friends—but that’s only because I’m an impossibly picky idiot. Truth is, I was even a quarter of the hosts and I had a blast the entire time. Most probably that is because it’s part of my quest in becoming a better human being to go back to wanting what I thought I had stop wanting: people. Along with all the crap that comes with exposing yourself to fatally the most complicated pieces of work on this planet…

It was THE toxic I had been neglecting to take, and apparently the one I should be indulging in nowadays. The weaker of two poisons. One helluva escape pod, too, especially if you’re right in the middle of your quarter-life crisis, you babysit kids posing as company heads on a daily basis and your career path is an utter mess.

Perhaps it’s the vulnerability that I miss. Missed. The willingness to let others take control for you from time to time. The carefree attitude that allows you to just go with the flow—you never know where you’d end up, yet the bottomline feeling is that you’ve lived to the fullest. Right, like I’M the type to go freefalling like that. After all I don’t really trust anyone aside from that lady I pay at the booth for my Last Full Show ticket. And the other lady at the popcorn stand. And Gossip Girl.

This is freaking me out, is it worth my time? I kept thinking while scavenging shops for Halloween trinkets. (Digression: I made sure the shopping was quick. I couldn’t bare spooking other people out, but the attention was definitely thrilling. Nobody uttered a word, but their eyes spoke the same things while staring at me: “Wow, a life-size moving doll! Is that a werewolf costume? How much for the corpse display? Mommy I’m scared!” Killer.) I’ve been here before, shared, crashed and burned and all. What am I after now? Am I only setting myself up with such treats only to fall with a smackdown trick? How come it’s only asked once a year, when choosing between tricks and treats is practically a lifetime job? (And why bother dressing up for a Halloween party when I can come in my houseclothes and still win best costume?) But I stopped the pointless questioning as soon as the bagger handed me my fourth paperbag… and just went on hoping… and splurging… and moshpiting in the lovely spirit of strawberry cream. It was great. It was really, really good.